Awesome Breakdance Video

Check out this video of some of the best breakdancing you'll see. I could do better, but I just don't feel like it on account of my bad knee, which I injured while fighting a sabertooth tiger while treading water in the cold, unforgiving, arctic seas.

Click here to view the antics of this merely competent dancer.

Cali Blog Created

Well, as you all know by now, I'm moving to the Los Angeles area for a 6 month contract job. I've been busy getting ready for the move so haven't had time to update this blog, but I've created a new, separate blog to chronicle my time there. The address is http://caligila.blogspot.com. If you want to keep up with all of my adventures in the land of sunshine and uhh... boobs, bookmark that site.

The Funny Bug

First, a warning: If you are allergic to math, computers, or generally not a fan of geeky things... Stop reading this now.

Still with me? Okay, so today at work I saw one of the funniest software bugs in my short career. We make a set of map publishing tools, and one of the capabilities of these maps is to store data about each shape or area of the map. So in the course of testing, one of our QA guys discovered a bug in an election map. Basically each state had associated with it some attribute values for what percentage voted for Gore and what percentage voted for Bush. The bug was discovered when someone tried to use our expression engine to create a new attribute column that simply stored the result of adding the two percentages together. This expression looked like "PCTGORE + PCTBUSH". Simple enough, right? Well the engine evaluates expressions you put into it and reports back on any errors. In this case it spat back an error "bad token at position 0", which basically just means that it didn't recognize the "PCTGORE", even though it was a perfectly valid "column".

Half the development team was huddled around the QA guy's computer as we tried to figure out why it doesn't like Gore. It's pretty confounding because if you do "A + B" it works fine. Anyway, long story short, I had a eureka moment when I realized that "GORE" contains "OR" which is one of the permitted operands. We all laughed pretty hard at the initial notion that the computer didn't like Gore. I was given mad props for figuring it out. I felt quite smug and satisfied, and proceeded to tell the guys the story about a GM engineer who was sent to investigate a man's claim that his car wouldn't start if he went to the store to buy vanilla ice cream, but it would start fine if he bought chocolate. You can read that story here.

Girl Of My Dream

Last night in my dream I met someone. It was strange. There are certain things I remember very clearly so I feel like writing them up. The girl was introduced through a faceless friend, and she was a cute dirty blonde. This is where things go off the rails. She had the Starbucks logo on her forehead, and a green/black button somewhere else on her person. After talking for a while and getting the "I want to brew you" vibe from her, I literally pushed her button as a show of affection. I'm not sure if this spinning metal apparatus came out of the top of her head, or the top of her head might have opened up to reveal it, but I was totally dumbfounded 'cause I had no idea what its purpose or meaning was. This morning as I was driving to work I realized the spinning metal thing was the blade of a coffee grinder! So it all fit perfectly in its own self-contained nonsense. I think the dream originates from a Starbucks barista I thought was somewhat cute when I went there a few days ago. It's odd that the stuff you think about super-briefly and then forget ends up being the contents of your dreams. I wish I could will myself to not think about Jessica Alba so she'd make an appearance too. Ah well! Here is a slightly freaky image I made to visualize what I saw in the dream... I hope she doesn't mind me adding a blender to the top of her head, but it'd be really useful in the evolutionary sense.

Brokescent of a Womountain

In preparation for this year's Oscars, I decided I had to see as many of the best picture nomenees as I could. Since Brokeback Mountain is a favourite to win, I decided to download it. Honestly, it was one of the most boring movies I've ever seen in my life. The entire movie's runtime reminded me of the dawn of civilization montage in 2001: A Space Odyssey. The only thing breaking up the monotony is a couple of dudes going at it once in a while and some nice booby shots of Michelle Williams. I didn't think much of it as a love story. The courtship and relationship consists of the two dudes just mostly grunting at each other incoherently. Later on in the movie, there is a sense of anguish at being apart that resonated with me and I think everyone can relate to that aspect of it. But overall when it was over, I wanted my 2 hours back. I also realized that I enjoyed Brokeback To The Future a lot more than the movie it parodied.

I noticed Scent of a Woman was on tonight so I watched it too. Now here is a movie I can see a hundred times and not get bored with. In many ways besides the obvious, it's the opposite of brokeback. If the cowboys living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere had seen Scent, maybe their lives would have turned out differently. Maybe they would have found the strength to hang on to each other longer than the 5.4 seconds Jake Gyllenhaal lasted on a computer generated rodeo bull. Damn, why'd they have to add fakey computer effects to this kind of movie? But I digress.

Favourite quote from Scent of a Woman: "You've been the sugar business for so long, you've forgetten the taste of real honey!"

Dinner and Indecision

So after work I went out for dinner with two lady friends. They are both hot and on the rebound. I am a perfect genitalman. Anyway, we decided on Milestones (the one near the Paramount).

I like talking about food, so I'll regale you with what was had: We all shared the spinach & artichoke dip, which is warm and gooey and tasty in a way that nobody under the age of 20 could appreciate. We also had the calamari, which I think is my favourite calamari anywhere. It's thick and juicy like slices of steak. I'm pretty sure the Milestones chefs go on an expedition to the south pacific once a year and hunt a giant squid, then feed their patrons with its carcass until next season. Hat's off to those dudes.

Main course: In the interest of not violating anyone's privacy, I will not tell you what the girls had. Girls are crazy, and I've learned not to tell anyone anything about any choice a girl makes. I had the portobello chicken on capellini pasta. It was tasty but I didn't really pay much attention to it because we were talking about the girls' ex boyfriends and the circumstances surrounding their breakups.

Now let's be real subtle about my hypocrisy: One breakup involved cheating and malicious horrible things said, after a 6 year relationship. The other breakup was (I think) over a general understanding that the two are not meant for each other. A key hint might have come from the fact that he got her a box a of muffins for valentines day. It's the thought that counts though, right? right...

The highlight of the dinner had to be our server, Michael. He was a tool. I've never seen a guy try harder to pick up customers in my life. His game was off, though. First, he made sketchy choices, like pruning the girls' names from their credit cards. Second, he never chose which girl to focus his attention on. I can sympathize with him, as can any guy. You have a 50/50 situation if you make a choice, or a 0/100 shot if you make no obvious choice and neither girl is aggressive and makes a play. After we paid I went to the bathroom to give the guy his opening, so that my presence isn't threatening. He wasted his time dwelling on neither girl in particular and not closing the deal. Once I got back and we started to leave, he started saying a pretty awkward goodbye. For once, I was glad to not be the guy trying to close a deal. As we walked away I went a bit ahead, and I think the guy saw an opening, so he practically ran after us, but by the time he caught up at the door, I was standing there holding it open for the ladies, so he fumbled the ball, said goodnight and went back to the kitchen to whack off in the dip.

The lesson of the night? If you chase after people for one last chance... You had better take it! Mike: you fucked up brother. You make me look suave, and I have a blog!

Things You Hear That Aren't In MP3 Format

Yonge & Eglinton is the nexus of the universe. Anything interesting that's happened to me during my commute to or from work has happened around this stop. It is a magnet that draws to it the best and brightest that Toronto has to offer.

Today I overheard two young ladies having the following exchange:

Brain: I need some caffeene! I need Starbucks and like stat.
Pinky: Stat! haha! What does that mean, anyway?
Brain: You know, it's what they say.
Pinky: YA! Stat! But what's the other word for that? umm...
Brain: Pronto! I need Starbucks pronto, mister!
Pinky: HAHA! Ya!
Brain: Or even ASAP!
Pinky: A-S-A-P
Brain: Ya!
Pinky: What does that stand for, anyway?
Brain: As Soon As Possible.
Pinky: Oh ya!

And they got off at their stop (Eglinton).

Yes, I would hit that.

Blunch

Today I went to a Thai restaurant for lunch. The place was empty except for me. Talk about a table for one! They were playing some soothing lady jazz. I only recognized two songs: Almost Like Being in Love, and I Love You For Sentimental Reasons. This is probably why the place was empty at the peak of the lunch hour. Anyway I ordered a combo #7 (for those ignoramii among you, that'’s a spring roll, soup, and pad thai) for $7.95. The soup & roll came pretty quickly. The hot & sour soup smelled like sweaty socks, and the spring roll was about as bland as any I'’d ever had. Why don'’t they know that taro and shiitake make the roll?!? Instead it just had some cabbage and carrot and nothing else. The pad thai itself was very generous and filling. It only had the slightest hint of spaghetti sauce flavour. There is, unfortunately, a lot more going on than what I had for lunch. But it's so much easier to sum up pad thai than try to get into the other shit. May we live in less interesting times.

It's Not Stopping Me From Posting So...

Saturday night, after 11, and I'm gazing at my navel. It's linty. Blogger still refuses to stop me from posting, so I am doing a little pre-bed mental wanking.

Last night I went to Niagara Falls with T-Bone, a quasi religious lady friend of his, and some other dude from out of town who wanted to do unblogably dirty things to her. Anyway, as is usually the case when I'm around religious people, I got into debates with her about the hypocrisy of religiosity. Damn that was wordiostically delicious! I've managed to distill my problems with religious people down into two things that bug me:

Firstly, most of their activities and observances take place not out of an internal desire to perform those acts, but an external system of judgment where everything originates from a form of fear. Ask Yoda where fear leads! That green dude knows his shit.

Secondly, all of these activities and observances are in worship of something that (even if he/she/it exists) may not necessarily want to be worshipped. My puny mind can only wrap around the concept of God as a parallel for parental (pro)creation. When I create life, I won't want that life to be wasted in idle worship of my existence, but in the pursuit of further creation and the manifestation of goodness. I still have little debates in my head where I ask "Why would someone waste their lives in worship, rather than in production?" and then I answer, "That's love", but then I turn back to myself and say, "But even the beloved don't want to be worshipped, it's intolerable to be around."

So you see, I sort of get the second one, but I'm still not convinced about worshipping a deity instead of a particular beautiful girl. People have committed horrific crimes in the name of both.

Game Charged as Accomplice

Two 18 year old douchebags were racing their parents' luxury cars last night when one of them hit a cab and instantly killed the driver. Both guys were arrested and will be charged with some serious offences. I think their lives are pretty much over at this point, since they'll spend most of the next 10-15 years going to court and sitting in jail, and all the time after that regretting what they did.

The older I get, the more I subscribe to the belief that people are completely incapable of making rational choices until after the age of 22 (and sometimes never).

The illusion of invulnerability is likely responsible for more deaths in the 16-22 age range than any disease. I personally think it's due to permissive parenting and not enough exposure to the real world. This is a disease of affluent living in the 'burbs, where the worst thing that happens is getting caught smoking weed in the park late at night. In this case, though, a car racing videogame was found in one of the cars and will very likely be blamed for the disconnect from reality that these guys suffered (and are surely cured of by now).

It's really kind of funny to see the reporters holding up a copy of the game and talking about how it involves illegal street racing and encourages reckless behavior. They are charging the game with being an accomplice to a crime, or maybe even positioning it as the perp, with the teens being just naive followers of every command given to them by a box. I think "people" (and by that I mean everyone over a certain age that doesn't have a clue) are just scared of a relatively new art form. Mind you, video games have been around for over 30 years, but they've only recently evolved from things that we could easily separate ourselves from (moving rectangles on the screen) to completely real looking simulations of things that we might see or (psychopathically) do in real life.

It seems perfectly natural to blame a street racing game on the real life enactment of the things depicted in it, but really it's no worse than watching a movie featuring the exact same things (The Fast and The Furious).

I think the problem is not in the content of video games, but in the value players place on their own lives. There are no 1-UP's in real life; you only get one go of it. Young people tend to forget this and end up fucking things up before they even get to the interesting part of the game (where they face off against the boss/spouse character). Parents should strive to keep their youngens grounded by not spoiling, sheltering, or (God forbid!) boring them.

On Ego and Intelligence

I was just thinking today about how much smarter other people are than me and how little I appreciate it. The problem is ego; I have a big one.

To a certain extent it's beneficial to have a lot of confidence in one's own abilities because fear and doubt are not the factors holding you back in what you want to do. However, too much self-assurance can also lead to ignoring the best resource available for learning, which is other people. Many "enlightened" managers cite hiring people smarter than themselves as a key strategy. I would have a serious problem doing that because 99% of the time I feel like I have completely figured out a person and their critical flaws within 10 minutes of conversation. If someone has more book smarts than me, I just compensate by telling myself that I'm more well-rounded and sociable. If they're more sociable, I take solace in my technical/thinking/numchuk skillz. If they're both more book smart and sociable than me, I give them a wedgie and call it a day.

I think what's needed is to be humbled by the trials of life. Not that life is easy for me by any stretch, I just think that more adversity is needed in order to truly appreciate where I really stand. This level of introspection is difficult and dangerous, which is why I think people prefer to go on thinking they are the smartest person in the room, in every room.

To close this somewhat pointless post, I'll quote Nelson Muntz: "Some of us prefer illusion to despair". That's the kicker! Maybe I am an idiot, but damned if I'll waste my time thinking about what an idiot I am instead of putting what energy I have into solving the various problems of being alive, like how to be smart.

Party Last Night

So my pal Ian had some people over at his house last night. It was quite chill, not too many people and with tea candles providing the ambience. I had two interesting conversations during the party, which was two more than I was expecting so I considered it a success.

#1 was with two ladies with very different backgrounds. I was telling them about the BodyWorlds 2 exhibit that I'd be seeing today, and was interested in getting their perspectives on the subject. One studies animal behavior and so was (like me) keen on the aspects of humanity that are basically animal and reminding ourselves of the similarity between us and other animals. The other was quite opposed to the exhibit and felt like it was a violation to show these bodies devoid of the so-called higher aspects that define what it is to be a human.

#2 was with a longtime friend who has been kind of directionless in life for a while now and trying to get him to see why he should play the game of life rather than have the game of life play him. This was a pretty moving exchange between us, but in the end I got the feeling that nothing I say will be the cause of any substantial difference in his behavior or outlook. So I let it be.

Here are a couple of pictures I took:

Some of the guys huddled over the laptop picking music prior to having a competition to see who has the nicest block handwriting. I have no idea why they did this but it was for some constructive end.

Ian, Tal, Me. Sure I'm making a stupid face, but at least I'm making a stupid face. Your face is stupid all the time!

This is me with Dan, once he showed up. I'm making no face at all but for some reason when I look at this picture I see right down into myself. Next time I'll drink less and smile more.

I am an ad-whore

Yes, that's right, I added google ads to my blog. Mostly it is an exercise to learn more about adsense and how it works. I don't expect to rake it in, but if you want to you can click on the ads to support my $1000 a day habit. Okay so I have no such habit... But just think, you may be helping me get on the wagon!

... Or is it off the wagon? Does the wagon even apply for drug use? Is there some other relevant cliche I can use here?

Things That Induced Smiles

I am in the mood to list and remember/appreciate the things that put smiles on my face, so here goes:

• A few days ago I went to lunch with coworkers, after one of them finished talking about how google will create targetted advertising on tv based on internet habits, I blurted out that I'd be worried people would see porn ads on my tv. It wasn't especially funny but they all burst out laughing. Thinking about how loud and genuine the group's reaction was, is what put the smile on my face.
• I thought about a girl who was a very close friend in high school, and about how she saw the goodness in me when I didn't.
• I was walking down Yonge street on my lunch break and I spotted 3 dudes in suits walking towards me. I thought they were big shots, until I observed that the middle guy had dark navy blue trousers and a light beige suit jacket. It was the silliest business outfit I'd ever seen. That was one smile. Thinking about how I've committed worse fashion atrocities was another.
  
• My pal David got his first full review published in the Village Voice. Don't forget me when the invites to the model/coke parties start rolling in!
• While on the subway listening to the Black Eyed Peas, I idly fantasized about being an incredible breakdancer.
  

Flexed Nuts

So while everyone agrees that new year's eve is an overrated shitty night, I still think that we manage to be disappointed when it ends up worse than we could even imagine beforehand. I'm not going into detail about what went down, except to say that people decided instead of celebrating and appreciating their friends and lives, to get angry about their not-friends and their not-lives and take it out in the form of alpha male monkey conflict-seeking motherfuckery. I abstained.

So, best wishes to everyone out there, I predict this year will be amazing.

Mantra to live by in '06: Life takes strength, all different kinds.